Dramatic title, right? I like making it sound more intense than it really is. Makes it feel bigger.
In this case, I failed at my attempt to stay off caffeine for a month. Just had a coffee and I’m very sure it was a mistake. Now I’m shaking and buzzing and it’s not fun.
Sometimes I can allow broken promises by my gear for the sake of art. This shot has obvious problems, shifted colors and missed focus. And yet I kind of like it because it’s unpredictable. I have another roll of this film, and I’m saving it for the right moment. Saving it for the unpredictable and beautiful chaos.
It’s funny, I react very intensely to personal failures or betrayals (in my mind) but when my gear causes problems or fails to perform correctly I actually embrace it. I might even use gear that specifically doesn’t perform well in order to achieve a specific look. My old box camera has a bad shutter, horrible lens, and a broken viewfinder, but it produces such interesting images that I can’t stop using it.
I don’t know how to reconcile the two, but I want to try. I wish that I could take people’s failures in stride and move toward a solution without the intermediary frustration, I guess. Just like a camera from 1943, every person I interact with has flaws and some manufacturing mistakes. We have to work from a place of acceptance if we want to become better.
Because we are all, each of us, a ball of beautiful chaos.